Why is it?

February, 2007


Why is it that........?

• Magazines that boast stories about 'Decorate Your House on a Budget' are barely 100 pages long and 3/4 advertisements yet cost $6. If I could afford to pay $6 for a mere 12 pages of useful info. - I wouldn't be worried about decorating on a budget!

• Men seem to be drawn to the woman in the group that holds a full-set of personal baggage? She may be; divorced, bankrupt, have kids, formerly abused and recovering from an addiction....and remarkably the men are drawn to her like moths to a flame....

• The 'Career Coaches' and employment 'experts', encourage job seekers to follow up every resume submission with a phone call while also warning job seekers to NEVER speak of salary during an interview...YET, the actual Hiring Managers have messages on their e-mails and phones that state: "Due to the overwhelming response for this position, we ask that you do not call or reply to this e-mail. We will contact you, if your skills match our needs." .....Furthermore - in nearly every interview - the hiring manager asks "What kind of salary are you looking to make?" In some instances, this question is posed at the on-set of the interview...giving the job seeker the feeling that if they don't answer in the correct 'salary range'....the interview would be over before it begins.

• Guys rarely call back when they say they will.

• The high-paid Meterologists cause state-wide panic with their 'weather predictions' - that inevitably are WRONG more than 50% of the time- yet they are still EMPLOYED. And, viewers continue to tune in, to find out the SEVEN DAY forecast.

• Carbohydrates are NIRVANA for a woman with PMS.

• The grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence.

• Paris Hilton exists. More importantly, who are the people that ask for her autograph?

• Professional athletes make millions of dollars for playing a sport found on any school playground or high school athletic field...... and people that work with developmentally disabled children, social workers and non-profit employees who fight for a 'cause' are the 'working poor'.

• Once a person is rich - they rarely pay for anything.

• Guys rarely call back when they say they will. (it was worth repeating)

Meeting Mr. T.M.I

February 2007

If you're still single in your 30s, I don't care if you're a man or woman....you've got WAR STORIES.

As a terminally single gal, nearing the end of my 30s, I've got stories from the FRONT LINE of the Relationship War. Quite frankly, I should get the Purple- Heart -of- Valor...for some of my battle scars.

Historically, women seem to get the 'crap end of the stick' when it comes to relationship faux pas. Female miscues tend to be the punchline of relationship blunders. And, sadly...I suppose we've earned those stereotypes.

I'll admit to spending countless hours chatting with gal pals as we dissected and analyzed every syllable of every sentence that a guy may have uttered....... "So, he said he'd call, but he hasn't called....however, he seemed distracted when he said it...so, maybe I should call him. Or, do you think he hasn't called because I made that comment about his friends auto-salvage business? Maybe I shouldn't have said anything....you know he's very sensitive because his mom and dad split when he was fourteen....gosh, I should probably call him, right?"

UGH! - Even I get nauseated with these types of diatribes.

Okay...Okay....women have earned their place in relationship lore.....However,

MEN HAVE ISSUES TOO!!

Men tend to have completely unrealistic expectations when it comes to females. I mean, do they really think we can wake up in the morning LOOKING like Pamela Anderson? Don't guys understand that even Pamela Anderson doesn't wake up looking like Pamela Anderson?

Newsflash - it takes a team of experts nearly half a day to, tousle her over-processed blond/black rooted hair into a sexy mess of curls. And, to apply layers of make-up just accurately so that it appears like she's not wearing any make-up at all. And, tan year round? Give me a break......

FYI - this goes for Carmen Electra and Eva Longoria too. - TEAM OF EXPERTS.

Recently, I was at a business networking event. The room was packed with professionals. Open bar, buffet, dim lighting......perfect for, 'chatting about business'. After a solid hour of working-the-room, collecting business cards and discussing issues, I sauntered over to the buffet table.

Unfortunately, the professional 'grazers' had already attacked the food spread. There were only a few carrots and a questionable dip-like substance left, when I approached. "looks like we're too late for the good food" a handsome stranger to my right commented.

I smiled at him. "However," he continued "it was probably just your standard hot-wings and mini quiche spread anyway....."

"Yea, if they had a sushi spread," I commented "they'd charge us an arm and a leg to attend"

Well, the door was open and we immediately began chatting about various sushi joints in Charlotte, followed by talk about our careers. He was a recent transplant from New York. I told him that I too was new to Charlotte by way of Milwaukee and New York. We exchanged business cards and made plans to 'do lunch' as we parted that night.

He sent me a 'nice-to-meet-you' e-mail the next day. I was beaming.....I actually believed there was a possibility that my long stint of singlehood was about to come to an end. We exchanged sassy e-mails for a couple of weeks. Then, it was LUNCH DAY.

I was running a few minutes late, and called him on his cell phone to let him know. He too, was behind schedule...so, we actually chatted on our cell phones as we drove to the lunch location. It was in that precisely seven minute conversation that I felt the 'twinge' of RED FLAG FEAR coming on.

He launched into a frantic 'fusion bomb' of words that included: his pending divorce, current separation, moving from his condo to an apartment, custody of his kids......

When he came up for air, I told him I was pulling into the parking lot of the lunch location and I sweetly said: "Okay, I'm here, (slight pause) and it'd be great if we could back-off on the divorce conversation while we're eating...I don't want it to ruin my lunch."

Any wonder why I'm still single? I have no time or energy for a guys drama.....well, at least not on the first date - more importantly - not on the DRIVE TO THE FIRST DATE.

Good lord, can't we at least save major divorce drama for the third date?

We had been seated approximately six minutes when his cell phone rang for the first time...(red flag #2) Guys, unless you are the President of the United States of America or in the Witness-protection-program.....NO CALL IS THAT IMPORTANT.

By the end of the meal, I had learned more details about my lunch companion than any one person should ever know about anyone in the first three hours of the relationship.(red flags #3-36) Hell, I'd covered the New York Jets football team for three seasons, including two-a-day pre -season workouts.....and, I didn't have as much information about them as I did about this guy.

He was officially - MR. TOO MUCH INFORMATION

He aggressively described situations and conversations he'd had with his soon-to-be former wife...followed by intimate details of what she would or wouldn't do in the bedroom, comments from his therapist, AA info. (he's a recovering alcoholic) and I think he told a story about how he had to sell his sports car for $16,000 cash -

By this point, I was numb to the white noise coming out of his mouth. However, the final straw was when the waitress brought the bill - and....................... you guessed it:

He suggested we SPLIT THE TAB!!

If I wasn't so fearful of living in a small and confined jail cell for the rest of my life - I would've strangled him with my bare hands right then and there. That act-of-kindness would've put BOTH OF US out of our misery.

As we exited the restaurant....he was babbling about the move out of his 5,200 square ,five bedroom home and he actually pulled a picture of his 'ex' out of his wallet as he commented about how "hot she was". (red flag count - too numerous to track at this point)

It was then, in the fresh Carolina air - I put up my hand in a 'PLEASE STOP TALKING' gesture.

"You know," I began...."I speak on behalf of my average-looking female sisters..All you guys who feel compelled to marry the 'HOT CHICKS' and live in your over sized houses..then you get dragged through the dirt by that 'HOT CHICK' and you get unleashed back into the world for us 'average looking ladies' to deal with. Can I just say, I'm currently unemployed, terminally single and living in a 700 square foot rented apartment.....and I've NEVER BEEN HAPPIER. Dude, you go for the HOT CHICK - you deserve what you get."

It was my time to come up for air.

He looked at me in stunned silence before he blurted, "you are my dream girl".

I shook my head as I laughed at that absurd notion. But, the moment was interrupted by his cell phone AGAIN...and he said, "It's my ex-wife, I've got to take this."

And with that, MR. TOO MUCH INFORMATION turned on his heel and walked away.

I smiled to myself - SINGLEHOOD never felt so sweet!

'dumbing down' to DATE

2007,


I've just relocated to Charlotte, North Carolina.


2006 was a long journey for me both personally and professionally and when I finally arrived in Charlotte, I felt bruised and battered. However, in no time at all, I began to decompress, relax and investigate my new surroundings. I realized very quickly, that I'd made the right decision to relocate. North Carolina is rich with culture, history and opportunity.

The energy level here is vibrant and contagious.

As a single person, it's always fun to explore the 'single-scene' of a new city. Men and women...can't we all agree?....there is something exhilarating about meeting someone from the opposite sex...when you are in a new environment.

Clearly, Las Vegas coined the phrase, "what happens here, stays here" for a reason.

I've lived in Milwaukee, New York and Charlotte (this is my second tour-of-duty here). The men I've met in those cities are as varied as their accents and appearances.

The farm-fresh lads in Milwaukee are big, strong beer-drinkers.

New York men were a mix of 'joey-bag-of- donuts' meets Kenneth Cole.

And, the gents in Charlotte are both refined and rugged.

I've compared notes with my 'sisters-in-singlehood' and based on the hours and hours of stimulating conversations, (that usually include either martini's or chocolate...and, sometimes BOTH)....... a common theme began to emerge.


During my 30s as I climbed the corporate ladder, purchased a home and finally felt 'comfortable in my own skin'....I remained terminally single. It was odd...the better I felt about myself, the more I seemed to REPEL men. I was perplexed.

After the endless conversations with my 'sisters-in-singlehood', I realized I wasn't alone. They too, were amassing wealth and possessions, yet a date for Friday night, was as elusive as Jimmy Hoffa's remains.

WHAT DO MEN WANT?

Well, we may never know the answer to that.....but, I had a recent conversation with two single and available men, that helped open the 'locker room door' of their mind. I got a disturbing peak inside.

I was out-on-the-town with a guy-pal. I've known him for a decade. We are the same age with similar childhoods and we both graduated from the same University. He's recently single and a lawyer. My legal eagle pal would be considered a 'catch' by all the dating experts.

Around midnight, we meet up with an acquaintance of the legal eagle. The acquaintance was a tall, dark and handsome professional. However, he had a cocky swagger, that registered immediately with me. He was in his mid-thirties and within a second of meeting him, I felt certain he didn't date anyone over the age of 25.

No sooner had we all said "hello" before Mr. 35 launched into a soliloquy about his risque experience the night before with two young 'ladies'.

Ah, gotta love a guy who includes menage a' Trois details in his opening remarks.

At some point, as the cocktails continued...the conversation shifted to the never-ending-mystery of DATING. Before I knew it, I WAS BEING CRITIQUED by the legal eagle and Mr. 35.

Mr. 35 acknowledged that it was "sexy"that I knew so much about sports. "However," he added, "it's very un-sexy if you know too much."

If I knew too much? I asked for clarification. "Well," he began......"I think it's cool that you know the names of the quarterbacks in the NFL but, it's just weird if you can name the colleges they played for as well."

(FYI - during this conversation I had not recited either NFL player names or college information) However.....

I was back in familiar territory. I'd had similar exchanges with various men during the TEN YEARS I worked as a sports broadcast journalist. Yes, I was a sports reporter. Primarily in professional sports. I'd worked in Milwaukee, Charlotte and New York. I'd interviewed players from Glen 'Big Dog' Robinson to Anthony Mason, Dennis Rodman and Mike Piazza. I'd talked 'game talk' with coaches like Joe Torre, Dave Cowens and Bill Parcells.

I'd been to the Metro Dome, Wrigley Field, Lambeau Field, Madison Square Garden and the Meadowlands. I'd been in locker rooms, on the field and in the press box.

Sports details, players names, scores and team information wasn't a quirky hobby I had....it was MY JOB!

While I worked in 'the business' I was very careful not to divulge too much information, primarily because most guys would ask for free game tickets once they found out about my career.

However, here it was, the year 2007 and Mr. 35 was telling me.... It was a 'turn OFF' to him if a woman (me) knew more about sports than he did. And, even worse - my legal eagle pal was agreeing with him! UGH!

I quickly pointed out to the two knuckleheads, that their view was absurd. "If I was a doctor would you tell me I couldn't have a medical conversation?"

"NO" they chirped simultaneously.

"If I was an exotic dancer," I continued "would you tell me I couldn't talk about dancing?"

"NO" they both smiled.

"So, even though I made a living in the sports industry....somehow, I'm supposed to pretend not to know anything...because I'm not supposed to know more than a MAN about sports?"

I didn't even need to hear their answer.

The details may be different, but many women have similar stories. I have a gal-pal in Texas who is an accomplished lawyer and triathlete. She's travelled the world, owns a home and is in fantastic shape. Yet, she's another 'sister-in-singlehood'.

How come a smart, secure and established man - is the CATCH OF THE CENTURY.....Yet, a woman with the exact characteristics tends to be the only person left on the island?

Well, I may never know the real answer to that question. However, I do know one thing. Thanks to higher education, better paying jobs and low interest rates.... Women are more educated, higher paid and home owners.

As long as there is enough chocolate and martini's to go around - the 'sisters-in-singlehood' will continue to congregate.

Gather around ladies - the meeting is about to begin!

Where do they meet?

February, 2007

Ah, the glorious feeling of a New Year.

Historically, I've never put much stock in New Year 'lore'. I don't make resolutions, I don't give up anything or make any GRAND changes just because the calendar hits January 1st. I'm of the school-of-thought, that we should live each day and each year to the fullest. No regrets. Do your best at all times, so that you don't have to fall to your knees in the 11th hour trying to purge your sins.

Furthermore, I don't get ' giddy' over Valentines Day or Sweetest Day. Primarily because I've been terminally single for so long, that those Hallmark Holidays don't translate into gifts for me.

They translate into even MORE reminders that I'm single. I have to suffer through the Kay Jeweler commercials with everyone else. Their slogan: "every kiss begins with K" is the WAR-CRY reminder that no one will be buying me jewelry anytime soon.

Recently, I've been reflecting on the ROUTE to RELATIONSHIPS.

Maybe it's because I just celebrated another birthday and I'm getting dangerously close to closing out my 30s. Or, maybe its because I just moved to a new city and I'm surrounded by married couples with kids. These couples are my age....and I try to envision myself in their married shoes.

The ROUTE TO RELATIONSHIPS is a long and windy road, isn't it? As I pay closer attention to the paired- off -folks in my presence, I find myself asking each couple I encounter,

"So, how did you two meet?"

And, as you'd imagine, the answers are as diverse as the couples themselves. "We met on an airplane." "We met on a blind date." "We used to work together." "We met at Church." "My brother and he went to college together." "We met in a bar." "My roommate dated him first" "He was my nephew's first grade teacher" "We met at a party." .... blah, blah, blah.

The possibilities are endless.......And, if I DARE to proclaim frustration over my INABILITY to meet a guy, then....I'm forced to endure all the kick-you-in-the-gut cliches. "Oh, Ellen...when you least expect it, you'll meet him." "Ellen, when you stop looking, that's when you'll find him."

UGH.

When I Least expect it? I stopped expecting to meet a date-able guy....YEARS AGO. So, what does that mean?

When I stop looking? Are you freaking kidding me? I stopped looking so long ago, that the only way I'll actually meet a single and available guy is if he walks up to my front door and knocks. And, even then....I may not be home to answer.

Over the course of the last five years , AKA - my relationship free zone, I've flown on planes, gone to church, bars and parties. I've worked at various jobs, been on committees, volunteered my time and met all the teachers of my nieces and nephews.

Not one of these daily -acts -of -living has resulted in a ..... .....

Match Made in Heaven, for Ellen.

And as 2007 began, I decided this would be the year I would whole-heartedly embrace my single status. No longer will I compare and contrast my 'single-ness' with the paired-off-people in my presence.

Neither status is better or worse than the other. I've decided there are pros and cons to each situation. Although, I may not have a built-in date for the weekends....... My weekends are individual adventures. Two weeks ago, I got up early and rode 40 miles on my bicycle with a cool group of riders. Last weekend, I slept in, went for a long walk and met a friend for dinner.

Although, I don't have an extra pair of hands to help me carry the groceries into the house.........I can buy whatever foods I like. I can light candles, pop in a DVD and drink a glass of wine, while I try out a new recipe I found in a magazine.

Although, there isn't a steady second income to make me feel more secure........I just sold my condo and moved across the country to follow my dream for new opportunities. I feel quite certain that my 'hunch' will be paying off shortly.

Although I don't have someone to hold my hand on a stormy night........I do have a fantastic circle of friends across the country that I can talk to on the phone for as long as I need and who will assure me when I'm feeling uncertain.

What's the old saying....The grass is always greener...... Well, I'm not quite sure about that...but, I do know that the grass on my side is green and thick and feels good under my feet.

C'mon in 2007 - I'm glad to meet you!