Travel Plans

May, 2007


Although the search for a full time, good paying, professional job continues......I was voted in as President of the Charlotte Chapter of the American Marketing Association. In a mere four months of landing here - a group of my marketing peers voted me to lead their association - yet, a full time, PAYING job eludes me. Curious...and maddening!

I'd like to believe they elected me because they were mesmerized by my energy, creativity, leadership and value - however...it could be that because I'm new to the area - they smelled a 'sucker' and piled the position onto me, cuz no one else wanted the hassle. Hmmmmmm, who knows.

One perk that came with this new appointment was an all-expense paid trip to the National Leadership Summit in Chicago, IL. Chapter leaders from all over the country were gathering in Chicago for round table discussions, meetings and networking. I seized the opportunity of a free trip that would be RIPE with networking opportunities. Maybe I'd meet my future employer!! In my mind, this was a 36 hour job interview - I was jazzed.

The itinerary had me leaving Charlotte on Friday morning at 7:40. Yikes!! With all the crazy-airport rules, regulations, plastic bags of liquids, luggage restrictions, etc. etc. etc. I was sure I needed to be there at least by 6:30. Which meant my alarm would be going off at a time of day - typically reserved for me to stumble into bed - not climb out of it!!!

After a measly three hours of sleep, I drove through the darkness to the Charlotte airport and parked in the Remote Parking Lot. (3 bucks per day - what a deal!) I stood in the glass shelter with a few other early risers as we waited for the Shuttle bus to arrive. Standing in a finger-smudged, stained and sticky shelter before sunrise with a group of strangers is a unique experience. It's a bit different than the 'riding-in-the-elevator' adventure.

In the elevator, you do your best to avert your eyes and pretend to have something very deep and powerful on your mind, so that no one will talk to you. In addition, everyone has the built-in eye- averting opportunity to look up as they watch the floor numbers rise. Folks in an elevator stare so intently at the rising numbers...you'd think a winning lottery ticket was about to be ejected from the control panel. Ever notice that?

So, at the airport in the darkness of pre-dawn, huddled in this pseudo-clear box I looked around at my fellow travelers. A statuesque older woman dressed in a business suit, a non-descript woman with a large suitcase, a tall- balding - nervous - man wearing a crisp striped shirt and jeans and a 20-something scruffy girl wearing wrinkled clothes and flip-flops. (Standard issue footwear for the Millennial generation) The group was silent.

Well, silent until the rumpled 20-something began yawning. And, it wasn't the dainty yawn that she covered with her hand. Oh no - it was the HUGE MOUTH..LOUD-NOISE-TYPE of yawn that cut through the chilled morning air like a sharp razor. By the fifth one of those - I was ready to knock her down and rip her flip flops off her nasty feet.

Before I could devise my game-plan.... an even LOUDER threesome of overly tanned and overly processed ladies came waddling through the parking lot - heading straight towards our sovereign shelter. Thankfully, the shuttle came before their high-pitched squealing got too intense and I would've been forced to 'mess up' their perfectly 'quaffed' hair.

Clearly, as an obvious NON-MORNING person, I shouldn't be allowed to circulate amongst the population until well past 10 am.

The direct flight from Charlotte to Chicago was surprisingly uneventful. Well, except for the business executive sitting in front of me, who slammed his seat back into the recline position with such force.....my knees nearly bled. At six foot tall - with a 36 inch in-seam.... the aggressive reclining traveler..... is my worst enemy!!

The weekend was a whirlwind of marketing professionals, buzz words and hand-shakes. My head was spinning with information and creative ideas as I took the shuttle bus to O'Hare airport for my return trip. My flight was leaving at 4:30 pm and the airport was PACKED with people. Fellow travelers of every shape, size, gender and nationality were accounted for.

As I arrived at my gate, the first person I laid eyes on was an older gentleman, relaxing on the edge of the blue pleather airport chair, calmly tweezing his chin hairs. His silver-plated tweezers catching the afternoon sun. I did a double-take..and once my eyes re-focused, I realized I had seen correctly the first time.

I glanced around to see if anyone else was 'grossed out' by the inappropriate 'bathroom behavior'. However, no one seemed to be phased by his 'out-in-the-open -hygiene- faux-paus'.

Regardless, I made sure to get full-on-eye contact with him, as I contorted my face into an obvious sign of displeasure. Non-pulsed - he plucked away for another half hour and only stopped long enough to board a plane heading towards Topeka. Well, he was the state of Kansas' problem now....... lovely.

No sooner had Mr. Chin-hair boarded his plane when I turned my attention to a well dressed older couple carrying the worlds smallest... yet, hairiest dog. The lady held the pooch with one hand and tucked it neatly under her armpit while her male companion had ... the gold-chain-linked-handled Gucci dog-carrying-bag flung over his shoulder. UGH!

When did bringing a pet on board become legal? And, where does it end? Next, will we share Coach Class with rabbits, lizards and....CATS?

They threw out my 4.75 ml bottle of Cucumber Melon Body Spray - for fear of a liquid terrorist attack - yet - Mr. and Mrs. Dog Breath can bring their mutt on board? What's up with that? Believe me - There is a MUCH greater chance of Fido ruining the flight for everyone on board rather than me bringing down the plane with Cucumber Melon Body Spray. Let's get some perspective, shall we?

I traveled quite a bit recently and have come to some valuable conclusions:

Airport bathrooms are germ-infested disease factories regardless of how clean they appear. The airports in Atlanta and Cincinnati have some of the healthiest food selections. Folks in First Class continue to have an inflated sense of self. And the pilot that captained our flight from Atlanta to Charlotte should be doing stand-up-comedy. He was hilarious.

More importantly - It feels good to be HOME in Charlotte. As I approach the five month anniversary of my move to this City.....I realize more each day, that I made the right decision to relocate here.

HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS.

Deal Breakers

May, 2007

As the self-proclaimed President of the Sisters-in-Singlehood world-wide sorority.....I have spent the bulk of my adult years successfully eluding healthy relationships with men. Oh sure, I've dabbled in the dating scene.....but, with no gold-medal-winning outcomes.

I even had a five-year stint with a certain 'mr. wonderful' who turned out to be ANYTHING but wonderful. I closed out my 20s and began my 30s with an array of 'rebounders' that all shared the.... oh-so-seductive commitment-phobic gene.

Somewhere along the way I decided that I too would do my best to avoid anything serious. For the first time - I became very successful in relationships. The NON-EXISTENT kind. Once I became committed to NOT BEING committed - I was very very good at it. And, the 'Dating-Well' just dried up.

However, it was during this dating-desert that I had the greatest epiphany about myself and what I was willing to tolerate in a love-interest with the opposite sex. After much self-reflection and conversations with various gal-pals over martini's and on the phone....my DATING DEALBREAKERS began to take form.

DATING DEALBREAKERS are those things that you just can't get past. Things that will put a screeching halt to any further investigation of the potential 'mate'. Admittedly, not all of my DEALBREAKERS have been completely well thought out. I've received negative reviews from some of my 'SISTERS' along the way who did not agree with my reasoning for dissolving certain relationships.

The most memorable was the Tank-Top incident of 2004. I'd been dating the 'older guy' for a couple of months. This dating stint with him was the second go-around. Initially, I'd met him back in 2002...however, he'd lied to me about his 'availability' factor. That year, he neglected to mention that his divorce wasn't final and he was actually still living with his soon-to-be Ex. .........In 2002 - THAT was the DEALBREAKER!

Fast forward to 2004, I re-met him during the summer at an outdoor music-in-the-park event. After the obligatory level of 'bitchiness' was bestowed on him, I began to soften up a bit. Hell, it was two years later, he was fully divorced, I was still single....and he LOOKED GOOD!! So, we tried the dating-thing again.

Although he was 14 years my senior...he had this odd sense of immaturity about him that grated on my nerves immediately. It was the sexual-innuendos and the sneaky comments that made my skin crawl. In my opinion, there comes a certain time in life when the 'FRAT-BOY' mentality needs to be placed on the back shelf of a very deep and dark closet - never to be released again in public. Am I right ladies????

However, that wasn't the actual DEALBREAKER..... It happened on a hot summer night in Milwuakee. I had invited the 'older guy' to meet up with me and my friends at an after-work Happy Hour.

I was standing on the outdoor deck with my back to the door chatting with my gal pal when she averted her eyes then quickly gazed back at me and grabbed me by the arms.

(Later, she would describe the scene...OFTEN...and insist that she didn't have a problem with the 'older guys' outfit...but, knowing me as she did - she knew it was her duty to prepare me for the picture).

"What?" I squealed as she pinched my arms in an effort to immobilize me.

"Ellen, don't turn around"

"Why?" I demanded.....

"older guy," (she actually used his real name) "just walked in," she hissed

"What's wrong, is he with another woman?" with my dating past, that was the first scenario that came to mind.

"No," she smiled..."but, you're not going to like it...that's for sure"

And, she was right - I turned around and caught sight of my 50 year old boyfriend, with a big grin on his face, making his way through the crowd of button-down professionals........wearing a green TANK TOP!!

And, the question has been asked MANY TIMES when this story has been told - NO, it was not a 'Wife-beater tank top'. But, none-the-less....a non-tan man of 50, who hadn't seen the inside of a gym in awhile..... should NEVER wear a TANK TOP to an after-work Happy Hour.

Hell, let's just be clear - he shouldn't even wear a tank top to the gym...until he's sufficiently sculpted his biceps.

That was the end of the 'older guy.'

I've had many-a-lady scold me for the TANK TOP incident because they insisted that "you can always change a mans wardrobe." And, that may or may not be true - but, back in 2004 the green TANK TOP was my DEALBREAKER.

Now? Well, it's amazing what you'll put up with when you meet a solid guy. Since landing in Charlotte North Carolina I've been tested time and time again. As I've mentioned before, this region is a plethora of southern charm meets rugged man. The men I've encountered have made me re-evaluate my threshold for commitment.

Gun collections, southern drawls, hunting, fishing, bear skin rugs and big trucks were foreign concepts and objects to me a mere five months ago. Yet, having doors opened, proper manners and southern hospitality bestowed upon you......makes the line for the DEALBREAKERS a bit blurry.

Not-to-worry...I'm still President of the Sisters-in-Singlehood world-wide sorority....however...I may be re-evaluating the DEALBREAKER guidebook.

Baby-talk Guidelines

April, 2007

Did I miss the memo?

When did small children become the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE?

What happened to the days of children being SEEN and NOT HEARD?

As a member of Generation 'X' - I was reared by hardworking parents that ruled with strait-shooting, honest and sometimes.....tough - love.

I got grounded, I got scolded, I got put-in-my-place......yet, I never questioned the unconditional love my parents had for me. Today, my parents are close confidants and friends....as well as respected parental figures.

However........

I have so many questions about the child-rearing protocol of TODAY'S parents.

I realize I'm a CLS (Child-less Single)

And, my opinion isn't as highly regarded as the opinion of other MwK (Marrieds with Kids)

But, I'm an ADULT - and I have opinions on the right and wrong protocol of human behavior.

I seem to remember a time in the not-so-distant past...when children actually RESPECTED and LISTENED to adults! Eeeeeeeeegad! The HORROR of the concept - is shocking by today's standards...I realize that.

As a single woman in my 30s with no children - it's understandable that many of my contemporaries have chosen a different path. While I was moving around the country, following career opportunities and climbing the corporate ladder of life.....

Many of my gal-pals were meeting the man of their dreams, settling down, growing roots and having babies!

It doesn't matter if you are MALE or FEMALE - when you are a CLS (Child-less Single) - there is a Grand Canyon-sized divide between US and THEM.

And, of course the THEM is the MwK (Marrieds with Kids)

As a single, I find myself in countless situations of having to nod my head with a smile pasted on my face while feigning interest in the - 'My child is GREAT stories':

"little Johnny is the smartest child at the Mommy & Me classes. The other children can sit up but, Johnny can roll over - he's very advanced for his age.' - "we are so proud of our Suzie, she's already eating solid food." - "breast feeding has been such a rewarding experience, although I'm starting to pump now so my husband can feed Junior when I got to Book Club." - "we just know Frankie is going to be a scientist or an accountant, he's already counting to 22!"

Hey, I realize when you give birth - you simply assume that the rest of the human race is as THRILLED as you are....and, we probably are...right after the delivery. However, once we know that Mommy and Baby are healthy and Baby has ten fingers and ten toes.....Yea, we've pretty much lost interest.

Recently, I called a gal pal of mine, who is the proud mommy of two.....I'm assuming she has Caller ID - because in lieu of a standard greeting when answering the phone, she greeted me with "Ellen, little Mickey just had the most smelly poop - EVER."

She then proceeded to share both color and consistency details....

I feel certain she knew it was me on the other end of the phone....however, considering today's Parental Standard - who knows. Maybe when little Mickey has a CLASSIC CRAP - Everyone needs the report. She may have used that greeting even if it was the Cable guy, the Banker or her Pastor.....who knows?

Okay, here's the thing - Bodily function reports are TABOO regardless of age, gender or relation.

Another thing a CLS does NOT need to know about - is how parents use a turkey-baster-like contraption to suck boogers out of Juniors nose. Anyone ever been treated to THAT story?

Oh yea, I had a friend back in Wisconsin go into explicit detail about how she has to suck the SNOT out of her toddlers nose. Again, NOT a visual I need to fill my head with. Call me selfish - whatever.

It just seems so completely weird to me, that these MwK think that we actually need to know those details. What's up with that?

Hey, how would they like it if we went into MIND-NUMBING detail about the last Board meeting - where Bill and Joe got into a verbal confrontation regarding the marketing analysis report that had mis-printed a couple of statistics.....................Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (yawn)

WE know not to bore them with the mundane details of OUR LIVES....all we ask is a little of the same courtesy. C'mon!!!

There HAS to be another topic we can discuss - like pop culture, fashion, politics, art, world events - WHATEVER.

However, more often than not - when CLS get together with MwK - the CLS have to SUFFER through poopy diapers, rash-reports, snotty noses, babbling translations and various updates regarding smells. Why is that?

And, the SOUNDS.....Oh, the SOUNDS of children. The NOISE that comes out of those tiny little mouths.

I have another question - What happens to a persons ears when they give birth? What happens to their inner ear - that allows them to sit through all the screaming, hollering, shouting and crying???? All the while Junior is screeching like a cat caught between a rotating bicycle wheel....Mommy can continue a conversation without missing a beat. What's up with that?

Last Sunday at church.....I got to the service early and took my place in the third row. I scored rock-star seating! No sooner had I sat down and said a brief prayer - when a Gen 'X' mom and dad and their three kids lumbered into the row behind me. Instantly, the youngest child, a girl of four or five years old, began speaking in her OUTSIDE voice. I waited patiently for ONE of her parents to hush her or to warn her to be quiet. Well, those directions NEVER came.

Newsflash to parents: if is sounds like a whisper to you - you can be certain it's actually a SONIC BOOM to anyone within earshot.

When your toddlers are screeching and running around the grocery store, coffee shop, restaurant, church...wherever....You can rest assured - YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT FINDS THAT BEHAVIOR CHARMING!

There may never be a way to connect the Grand Canyon sized divide between CLS and MwK..however, in the words of someone famous:

Can't we all just get along?

Pleasing Ellen

April 1, 2007

It's fitting that today is April Fools day - because I just came to the realization......

that I'M THE FOOL!!!

After a boat-load of self reflection....I have decided that it is IMPOSSIBLE to please me.

And, I'm quite aware - that this character flaw is: NOT A GOOD THING.

I know I need to conquer this 'thing' that has a death-grip on me. I'm wondering if there is a support group for women like me. Is there a safe place I can go and discuss my feelings of fear?

Or, am I destined to suffer in silence?

The support group would be filled with professional, single women....who believe they have successfully navigated through their lives without a man by their side. We are the ladies that show up at the fabulous events, parties and social gatherings complete with tailored outfit and a confident swagger....by ourselves.

We've travelled to fantastic places....solo - and actually enjoyed ourselves. We drink martinis, dine out and have a social circle of like-minded professional, single women.

We are..... SISTERS IN SINGLEHOOD!!!

The support group would meet monthly and the ladies would tell tales of the balancing act - that doubles as their daily lives. We would chat about the need to be professionally aggressive yet personally vulnerable in an interpersonal relationship. We would lament about the need to climb the corporate ladder aiming towards financial success, while we attempt to slow down just long enough to let a man open a door or pay for dinner.

Since moving to Charlotte, I have met a lovely array of southern men who open doors, pull out chairs, buy drinks and listen intently. However, I've also been pounding the pavement and interviewing in an attempt to land my 'next great professional gig'. I feel torn between the desire for a male presence in my personal life and the need for gainful employment.

For some reason, I seem to believe that I can't have BOTH..... A wonderful job and a wonderful man. To me, they don't seem to go together like the lovely invention of peanut butter and chocolate wrapped in a shiny orange candy wrapper.

I had an exhilarating interview last week for a Marketing Manager position. I spent two hours with the company owner, discussing my career path, marketing strategies and company logistics. It was AWESOME.

I said goodbye to the woman who could be my future boss....and left the office inflated with the energy of a pre-pubescent teenager. I was glowing with corporate consciousness. As I turned the corner in a blissful haze the elevator bell sounded and although I was still 15 yards away a middle-aged southern gentleman held the doors open for me and waited as I entered in front of him. I blushed with appreciation as I thanked him.

Although many women may take this example for granted....it was a big deal to me.

It wasn't that long ago that doors would shut in my face as men would pass through ahead of me and make no attempt at chivalry. Open a car door? Are you kidding me? The last time a car door was held open for me was when I entered the back of a limo during a night out-on-the-town..... and the driver was paid to do it.

I have a local male friend that I've known for 11 years. He's a partner in a law firm and certainly has the manners that accompany that role. And, although I adore my Legal Eagle pal, I find myself bristling if he calls or contacts me too often. He adds insightful comments and keeps track of me...and how many girls would knock me down for that kind of attention?

However, I get an uneasy feeling when I get too much attention - It's NOT HIM - he's doing nothing wrong...I'm very aware that it's me.....

I am obviously missing the 'take-care-of-me' gene.

I met another stupendous southern gentleman that is funny, professional and wonderful. Yet, the more attention he tries to bestow upon me....the more uncomfortable and out-of-control I feel my world becomes.

GOOD GRACIOUS!!! I can't even recount how many times I've babbled endlessly on the phone to other gal-pals..... whining about how I "just want a man to pay attention to me." - I've tearfully explained my desire for a romantic break from the singlehood merry-go-round.

It seems I've proudly held the unofficial role of President of the Sisters in Singlehood global chapter for so long....that now I'm afraid there is ABSOLUTELY no way to......

PLEASE ME!

And, on this first day of April, I'm lamenting over the idea that I may never find a way to....

HAVE IT ALL.

Unfortunately, on this frivolous day called APRIL FOOLS.....

I feel like - THE FOOL!