February 2007
If you're still single in your 30s, I don't care if you're a man or woman....you've got WAR STORIES.
As a terminally single gal, nearing the end of my 30s, I've got stories from the FRONT LINE of the Relationship War. Quite frankly, I should get the Purple- Heart -of- Valor...for some of my battle scars.
Historically, women seem to get the 'crap end of the stick' when it comes to relationship faux pas. Female miscues tend to be the punchline of relationship blunders. And, sadly...I suppose we've earned those stereotypes.
I'll admit to spending countless hours chatting with gal pals as we dissected and analyzed every syllable of every sentence that a guy may have uttered....... "So, he said he'd call, but he hasn't called....however, he seemed distracted when he said it...so, maybe I should call him. Or, do you think he hasn't called because I made that comment about his friends auto-salvage business? Maybe I shouldn't have said anything....you know he's very sensitive because his mom and dad split when he was fourteen....gosh, I should probably call him, right?"
UGH! - Even I get nauseated with these types of diatribes.
Okay...Okay....women have earned their place in relationship lore.....However,
MEN HAVE ISSUES TOO!!
Men tend to have completely unrealistic expectations when it comes to females. I mean, do they really think we can wake up in the morning LOOKING like Pamela Anderson? Don't guys understand that even Pamela Anderson doesn't wake up looking like Pamela Anderson?
Newsflash - it takes a team of experts nearly half a day to, tousle her over-processed blond/black rooted hair into a sexy mess of curls. And, to apply layers of make-up just accurately so that it appears like she's not wearing any make-up at all. And, tan year round? Give me a break......
FYI - this goes for Carmen Electra and Eva Longoria too. - TEAM OF EXPERTS.
Recently, I was at a business networking event. The room was packed with professionals. Open bar, buffet, dim lighting......perfect for, 'chatting about business'. After a solid hour of working-the-room, collecting business cards and discussing issues, I sauntered over to the buffet table.
Unfortunately, the professional 'grazers' had already attacked the food spread. There were only a few carrots and a questionable dip-like substance left, when I approached. "looks like we're too late for the good food" a handsome stranger to my right commented.
I smiled at him. "However," he continued "it was probably just your standard hot-wings and mini quiche spread anyway....."
"Yea, if they had a sushi spread," I commented "they'd charge us an arm and a leg to attend"
Well, the door was open and we immediately began chatting about various sushi joints in Charlotte, followed by talk about our careers. He was a recent transplant from New York. I told him that I too was new to Charlotte by way of Milwaukee and New York. We exchanged business cards and made plans to 'do lunch' as we parted that night.
He sent me a 'nice-to-meet-you' e-mail the next day. I was beaming.....I actually believed there was a possibility that my long stint of singlehood was about to come to an end. We exchanged sassy e-mails for a couple of weeks. Then, it was LUNCH DAY.
I was running a few minutes late, and called him on his cell phone to let him know. He too, was behind schedule...so, we actually chatted on our cell phones as we drove to the lunch location. It was in that precisely seven minute conversation that I felt the 'twinge' of RED FLAG FEAR coming on.
He launched into a frantic 'fusion bomb' of words that included: his pending divorce, current separation, moving from his condo to an apartment, custody of his kids......
When he came up for air, I told him I was pulling into the parking lot of the lunch location and I sweetly said: "Okay, I'm here, (slight pause) and it'd be great if we could back-off on the divorce conversation while we're eating...I don't want it to ruin my lunch."
Any wonder why I'm still single? I have no time or energy for a guys drama.....well, at least not on the first date - more importantly - not on the DRIVE TO THE FIRST DATE.
Good lord, can't we at least save major divorce drama for the third date?
We had been seated approximately six minutes when his cell phone rang for the first time...(red flag #2) Guys, unless you are the President of the United States of America or in the Witness-protection-program.....NO CALL IS THAT IMPORTANT.
By the end of the meal, I had learned more details about my lunch companion than any one person should ever know about anyone in the first three hours of the relationship.(red flags #3-36) Hell, I'd covered the New York Jets football team for three seasons, including two-a-day pre -season workouts.....and, I didn't have as much information about them as I did about this guy.
He was officially - MR. TOO MUCH INFORMATION
He aggressively described situations and conversations he'd had with his soon-to-be former wife...followed by intimate details of what she would or wouldn't do in the bedroom, comments from his therapist, AA info. (he's a recovering alcoholic) and I think he told a story about how he had to sell his sports car for $16,000 cash -
By this point, I was numb to the white noise coming out of his mouth. However, the final straw was when the waitress brought the bill - and....................... you guessed it:
He suggested we SPLIT THE TAB!!
If I wasn't so fearful of living in a small and confined jail cell for the rest of my life - I would've strangled him with my bare hands right then and there. That act-of-kindness would've put BOTH OF US out of our misery.
As we exited the restaurant....he was babbling about the move out of his 5,200 square ,five bedroom home and he actually pulled a picture of his 'ex' out of his wallet as he commented about how "hot she was". (red flag count - too numerous to track at this point)
It was then, in the fresh Carolina air - I put up my hand in a 'PLEASE STOP TALKING' gesture.
"You know," I began...."I speak on behalf of my average-looking female sisters..All you guys who feel compelled to marry the 'HOT CHICKS' and live in your over sized houses..then you get dragged through the dirt by that 'HOT CHICK' and you get unleashed back into the world for us 'average looking ladies' to deal with. Can I just say, I'm currently unemployed, terminally single and living in a 700 square foot rented apartment.....and I've NEVER BEEN HAPPIER. Dude, you go for the HOT CHICK - you deserve what you get."
It was my time to come up for air.
He looked at me in stunned silence before he blurted, "you are my dream girl".
I shook my head as I laughed at that absurd notion. But, the moment was interrupted by his cell phone AGAIN...and he said, "It's my ex-wife, I've got to take this."
And with that, MR. TOO MUCH INFORMATION turned on his heel and walked away.
I smiled to myself - SINGLEHOOD never felt so sweet!
