Stinky Celebrities

March, 2007


As a writer, I'm used to getting creative inspiration at any time and in any place. My mind is always processing 'life's-little-details' and I mentally begin to write a story as those details unfold. However, sometimes I don't need a visual stimulation to get my creative juices flowing......periodically, story ideas evolve during the most mundane moments of my daily routine......

It was the night of the Oscars. Also known as the Celebrity Superbowl. As most folks gather in groups to pay homage to the stick-thin celebrities... I was on a one-woman boycott of the whole silly production. That night, I worked out at the gym and spent a glorious evening shopping for groceries. It was virtually a solo shopping spree as the rest of the free world huddled around their televisions...to catch a glimpse of the red carpet parade.

It seems, the older I get - the more disdain I have for the frivolity of celebrity. I mean, who are they kidding? What is the difference between me and...let's say - Julia Roberts?

Sure, she's got many successful blockbuster movies on her resume, that have made her a millionaire several times over. But, let's be honest - we're about the same age, we've both dated men that were a bit questionable and we've both spent time in Marietta Georgia.

C'mon - regardless of how BIG the superstar is - they still perform typical daily acts.... just like the rest of us no-names. Regardless of how many movies he's done - George Clooney still puts his pants on one leg at a time. Hell, even Sean Connery has to take time out to take a DUMP, once in awhile. Right?

So, on Oscar night - I was determined to stick to my usual routine and not stop for one silly second to take notice of the Hollywood Hype. After I worked up a sweat and re-stocked my food supply, I jumped into the shower. I lingered as the hot water washed away all the grime of the day.

As I emerged from my steamy surroundings and reached for my favorite fragrant body lotion ....it occurred to me. I bet there are a ton of STINKY CELEBRITIES.

Think about it - celebrities are people just like us. Sure, they may have an agent and an entourage. They may go to the 'head-of-the-line' and fly first class. But, there is NO WAY that fame and fortune can eliminate BODY ODOR!

As I contemplated that notion, I began to brainstorm - Who is the stinkiest celebrity?

More importantly, what is their STENCH? Which celeb has the worst breath? Who has body odor? Furthermore....do they fart, burp or have morning breath? Once I began to put thought into this conundrum - I couldn't stop thinking about the STENCH OF CELEBRITY.

MORNING BREATH

• Eva Longoria
• Angelina Jolie
• Sean P Diddy Combs
• Vince Vaughn
• Sarah Jessica Parker
• Diane Sawyer
• Prince
• Rod Stewart
• Tom Cruise
• Nicolet Sheridan
• Robert Downey Jr.
• Tyra Banks
• Marc Anthony
• Renee Zellweger

SMELLY SOUNDS (ie; Burps & Farts)

• Brett Favre (NFL quarterback - is infamous for passing GAS)
• Drew Barrymore
• Adam Sandler
• Nelly Furtado
• Teri Hatcher
• Jessica Simpson
• Mark Wahlberg
• L.L. Cool Jay
• Paula Abdul
• Justin Timberlake
• Jimmy Kimmel
• Matthew McConaughey
• Ashton Kutcher
• Will Smith
• Martin Lawrence
• Kelly Clarkson

BODY ODOR (a tendency to smell RIPE without their deodorant application)

• Jack Black
• Owen Wilson
• Simon Cowell
• Gwen Stefani
• Lindsay Lohan
• Naomi Campbell
• Jim Carrey
• Danny Divito
• Bruce Willis
• Al Sharpton
• Sean Penn
• Andy Rooney (the 60 minutes guy)
• Russell Crow

HALITOSIS (give them some mouthwash)

• Rosie O'Donnell
• Whoopi Goldberg
• Victoria Beckham (aka - Posh Spice)
• David Letterman
• Dan Rather
• Ellen Pompeo
• Martha Stewart
• Katie Couric
• Hilary Clinton
• Dr. Phil
• Kelsey Grammar
• Courtney Cox

OVERALL FUNK - (breath, body odor, sounds)

• Paris Hilton

Celebrities are only celebrities because people in the population pay attention. If all of us would just go about our daily routine and not seek refuge in the fantasy world that Hollywood creates - each and every person listed above would be out of a job.

Wouldn't it be great if the so-called Celebrities would be forced to pay admission to view OUR DAILY LIVES? Lets give an Oscar to the Doctors and Nurses saving lives - How about a standing ovation for the Fire Fighters, Police Officers and EMT's? Better yet - lets roll out the red carpet as the Social Workers report to work each day.

Let's get some perspective.