Baby-talk Guidelines

April, 2007

Did I miss the memo?

When did small children become the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE?

What happened to the days of children being SEEN and NOT HEARD?

As a member of Generation 'X' - I was reared by hardworking parents that ruled with strait-shooting, honest and sometimes.....tough - love.

I got grounded, I got scolded, I got put-in-my-place......yet, I never questioned the unconditional love my parents had for me. Today, my parents are close confidants and friends....as well as respected parental figures.

However........

I have so many questions about the child-rearing protocol of TODAY'S parents.

I realize I'm a CLS (Child-less Single)

And, my opinion isn't as highly regarded as the opinion of other MwK (Marrieds with Kids)

But, I'm an ADULT - and I have opinions on the right and wrong protocol of human behavior.

I seem to remember a time in the not-so-distant past...when children actually RESPECTED and LISTENED to adults! Eeeeeeeeegad! The HORROR of the concept - is shocking by today's standards...I realize that.

As a single woman in my 30s with no children - it's understandable that many of my contemporaries have chosen a different path. While I was moving around the country, following career opportunities and climbing the corporate ladder of life.....

Many of my gal-pals were meeting the man of their dreams, settling down, growing roots and having babies!

It doesn't matter if you are MALE or FEMALE - when you are a CLS (Child-less Single) - there is a Grand Canyon-sized divide between US and THEM.

And, of course the THEM is the MwK (Marrieds with Kids)

As a single, I find myself in countless situations of having to nod my head with a smile pasted on my face while feigning interest in the - 'My child is GREAT stories':

"little Johnny is the smartest child at the Mommy & Me classes. The other children can sit up but, Johnny can roll over - he's very advanced for his age.' - "we are so proud of our Suzie, she's already eating solid food." - "breast feeding has been such a rewarding experience, although I'm starting to pump now so my husband can feed Junior when I got to Book Club." - "we just know Frankie is going to be a scientist or an accountant, he's already counting to 22!"

Hey, I realize when you give birth - you simply assume that the rest of the human race is as THRILLED as you are....and, we probably are...right after the delivery. However, once we know that Mommy and Baby are healthy and Baby has ten fingers and ten toes.....Yea, we've pretty much lost interest.

Recently, I called a gal pal of mine, who is the proud mommy of two.....I'm assuming she has Caller ID - because in lieu of a standard greeting when answering the phone, she greeted me with "Ellen, little Mickey just had the most smelly poop - EVER."

She then proceeded to share both color and consistency details....

I feel certain she knew it was me on the other end of the phone....however, considering today's Parental Standard - who knows. Maybe when little Mickey has a CLASSIC CRAP - Everyone needs the report. She may have used that greeting even if it was the Cable guy, the Banker or her Pastor.....who knows?

Okay, here's the thing - Bodily function reports are TABOO regardless of age, gender or relation.

Another thing a CLS does NOT need to know about - is how parents use a turkey-baster-like contraption to suck boogers out of Juniors nose. Anyone ever been treated to THAT story?

Oh yea, I had a friend back in Wisconsin go into explicit detail about how she has to suck the SNOT out of her toddlers nose. Again, NOT a visual I need to fill my head with. Call me selfish - whatever.

It just seems so completely weird to me, that these MwK think that we actually need to know those details. What's up with that?

Hey, how would they like it if we went into MIND-NUMBING detail about the last Board meeting - where Bill and Joe got into a verbal confrontation regarding the marketing analysis report that had mis-printed a couple of statistics.....................Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (yawn)

WE know not to bore them with the mundane details of OUR LIVES....all we ask is a little of the same courtesy. C'mon!!!

There HAS to be another topic we can discuss - like pop culture, fashion, politics, art, world events - WHATEVER.

However, more often than not - when CLS get together with MwK - the CLS have to SUFFER through poopy diapers, rash-reports, snotty noses, babbling translations and various updates regarding smells. Why is that?

And, the SOUNDS.....Oh, the SOUNDS of children. The NOISE that comes out of those tiny little mouths.

I have another question - What happens to a persons ears when they give birth? What happens to their inner ear - that allows them to sit through all the screaming, hollering, shouting and crying???? All the while Junior is screeching like a cat caught between a rotating bicycle wheel....Mommy can continue a conversation without missing a beat. What's up with that?

Last Sunday at church.....I got to the service early and took my place in the third row. I scored rock-star seating! No sooner had I sat down and said a brief prayer - when a Gen 'X' mom and dad and their three kids lumbered into the row behind me. Instantly, the youngest child, a girl of four or five years old, began speaking in her OUTSIDE voice. I waited patiently for ONE of her parents to hush her or to warn her to be quiet. Well, those directions NEVER came.

Newsflash to parents: if is sounds like a whisper to you - you can be certain it's actually a SONIC BOOM to anyone within earshot.

When your toddlers are screeching and running around the grocery store, coffee shop, restaurant, church...wherever....You can rest assured - YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT FINDS THAT BEHAVIOR CHARMING!

There may never be a way to connect the Grand Canyon sized divide between CLS and MwK..however, in the words of someone famous:

Can't we all just get along?