Pleasing Ellen

April 1, 2007

It's fitting that today is April Fools day - because I just came to the realization......

that I'M THE FOOL!!!

After a boat-load of self reflection....I have decided that it is IMPOSSIBLE to please me.

And, I'm quite aware - that this character flaw is: NOT A GOOD THING.

I know I need to conquer this 'thing' that has a death-grip on me. I'm wondering if there is a support group for women like me. Is there a safe place I can go and discuss my feelings of fear?

Or, am I destined to suffer in silence?

The support group would be filled with professional, single women....who believe they have successfully navigated through their lives without a man by their side. We are the ladies that show up at the fabulous events, parties and social gatherings complete with tailored outfit and a confident swagger....by ourselves.

We've travelled to fantastic places....solo - and actually enjoyed ourselves. We drink martinis, dine out and have a social circle of like-minded professional, single women.

We are..... SISTERS IN SINGLEHOOD!!!

The support group would meet monthly and the ladies would tell tales of the balancing act - that doubles as their daily lives. We would chat about the need to be professionally aggressive yet personally vulnerable in an interpersonal relationship. We would lament about the need to climb the corporate ladder aiming towards financial success, while we attempt to slow down just long enough to let a man open a door or pay for dinner.

Since moving to Charlotte, I have met a lovely array of southern men who open doors, pull out chairs, buy drinks and listen intently. However, I've also been pounding the pavement and interviewing in an attempt to land my 'next great professional gig'. I feel torn between the desire for a male presence in my personal life and the need for gainful employment.

For some reason, I seem to believe that I can't have BOTH..... A wonderful job and a wonderful man. To me, they don't seem to go together like the lovely invention of peanut butter and chocolate wrapped in a shiny orange candy wrapper.

I had an exhilarating interview last week for a Marketing Manager position. I spent two hours with the company owner, discussing my career path, marketing strategies and company logistics. It was AWESOME.

I said goodbye to the woman who could be my future boss....and left the office inflated with the energy of a pre-pubescent teenager. I was glowing with corporate consciousness. As I turned the corner in a blissful haze the elevator bell sounded and although I was still 15 yards away a middle-aged southern gentleman held the doors open for me and waited as I entered in front of him. I blushed with appreciation as I thanked him.

Although many women may take this example for granted....it was a big deal to me.

It wasn't that long ago that doors would shut in my face as men would pass through ahead of me and make no attempt at chivalry. Open a car door? Are you kidding me? The last time a car door was held open for me was when I entered the back of a limo during a night out-on-the-town..... and the driver was paid to do it.

I have a local male friend that I've known for 11 years. He's a partner in a law firm and certainly has the manners that accompany that role. And, although I adore my Legal Eagle pal, I find myself bristling if he calls or contacts me too often. He adds insightful comments and keeps track of me...and how many girls would knock me down for that kind of attention?

However, I get an uneasy feeling when I get too much attention - It's NOT HIM - he's doing nothing wrong...I'm very aware that it's me.....

I am obviously missing the 'take-care-of-me' gene.

I met another stupendous southern gentleman that is funny, professional and wonderful. Yet, the more attention he tries to bestow upon me....the more uncomfortable and out-of-control I feel my world becomes.

GOOD GRACIOUS!!! I can't even recount how many times I've babbled endlessly on the phone to other gal-pals..... whining about how I "just want a man to pay attention to me." - I've tearfully explained my desire for a romantic break from the singlehood merry-go-round.

It seems I've proudly held the unofficial role of President of the Sisters in Singlehood global chapter for so long....that now I'm afraid there is ABSOLUTELY no way to......

PLEASE ME!

And, on this first day of April, I'm lamenting over the idea that I may never find a way to....

HAVE IT ALL.

Unfortunately, on this frivolous day called APRIL FOOLS.....

I feel like - THE FOOL!