November, 2006
Lately, I've become painstakingly aware of how many people LOVE giving advice. Whether I've asked for their opinion or not, I'm constantly bombarded with comments and suggestions from knowledgeable 'do-gooders'.
Before I lost my job, I suffered through mind-numbing remarks about how I could successfully find a BOYFRIEND. "Ellen, you're soooooo funny, how can YOU not have a boyfriend?", "Ellen have you ever tried Internet dating?" , "You know Ellen, maybe you're too picky...no one is perfect."
UGH! I began to fantasize about just dating ANYONE so that the 'relationship-know-it-alls' would back off!
One time, I was at a local bar just minding my own business. A rotund, balding gentleman sat next to me and began to share his woeful story. (while paying for at least two rounds of drinks!)
He told me that he'd been married for over 20 years, had a couple kids and that he'd gained quite a bit of weight during the marriage. "Really?" I smiled sweetly, "you look fine to me".
He proceeded to tell me, he'd lost his engineering job and taken a 30 thousand dollar pay cut to work at a car dealership and his wife had asked for a divorce.
"Note to self," I thought, "start hanging out at classier joints"
At some point, he finally asked me if I was married. To which I replied, "No." He followed up with, "Really? A nice girl like you, why not?"
"Ah, well....no one has ever asked me" I replied as I sipped my free drink.
He probed a bit further and I told him that I'd moved around a lot because of the type of work I did...and when he asked about my work, I told him I'd spent the bulk of my career as a broadcast journalist in sports radio. And, like all the men before him, who learn this news about me....he began asking me all kinds of questions about which teams I'd covered and who I had interviewed, etc, etc.
I shared a couple of my best locker room stories with him.....and, it was at this point that HE GAVE ADVICE. "Ellen, do you typically tell men what you've done for a living?"
"Well, sure...that usually comes up in conversation, why?"
"I could see it being intimidating....I mean, not for me...I think its great, but some guys may not be able to handle that you've worked in sports and know so much about sports"
I sat there, contemplating his remarks. From the beginning of time - men have had relationships with ladies whose jobs could be intimidating. Men have been known to marry female lawyers, doctors and executives.....haven't they? - yet, here was fatty-baldy- divorce- guy telling me that I shouldn't tell guys I've been a SPORTS REPORTER???????????? Are you freaking kidding me?
I've always marveled at the idea of a chick-who-knows-sports as being intimidating. I would've thought a chick who understands the need to watch the Sunday game or the need to play in rec-leagues would be desirable....how crazy was I?
I took a deep breath before responding, "Well, if I can't be honest with a guy about what I've done with nearly ten years of my life....maybe, just maybe...he's not the guy for me"
Fatty-baldy, laughed at my response then asked me for my phone number.
After I lost my Director of Marketing job, it seemed to open the floodgates for all the advice-givers. I don't understand how losing your job translates into; PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK....but, everyone seems to have suggestions about what you should do.
Ultimately, I know that people think they're being helpful. However, the longer I stayed unemployed the more difficult it was to interact with the employed population. When I would see someone or speak on the phone, after our initial greeting...without fail, the other person would follow up with, "So, have you found a job yet?"
And, if I DARED to respond "No," then the other person would typically launch into a verbal barrage of possible job opportunities for me. I heard everything from "why don't you bar tend?" to "have you thought of becoming a fireman?"
The more people tried to SOLVE my problem the more nauseated I would feel. Gosh, I actually LONGED for the days when folks would merely give me relationship advice.
I'm not exactly sure why folks have this uncontrollable urge to give un-solicited advice but, next time you find yourself opening your mouth to utter your opinion......stop and ask yourself...
WAS I ASKED?
