July, 2006
Milwaukee, WI
Recently my employer informed me that my services were “no longer needed”. Unfortunately, this news was delivered to me while I was four weeks into a six week medical leave of absence. My lawyer sheepishly explained that I lived in an “employment- at- will state” which meant I had no legal recourse for the ill-timed termination.
It was with this painful discovery that I realized I had crossed over into familiar territory. I became excruciatingly aware that I had entered into a stage of life where my professional relationships were now ending as inadequately as my personal ones.
Not only had I spent much of my dating career getting attached to commitment-phobic men, now my professional relationships were exhibiting eerily similar characteristics and the break-ups were near mirror images of one another.
The company let me go in such an unexpected way – I never saw it coming; much like a dear friend of mine who was blind-sided by her husband of 20 years. She came home from work one day; his bags were already packed and informed her that he was “done”. He exited their lovely home and her marriage was over before she even had a chance to take off her coat.
My boss called and asked me to meet him at a local restaurant at 2:00 pm on a Friday. The doctor had just given me clearance to drive and my superior was standing on the curb outside the establishment as I gingerly exited my automobile. I was still in the recovery phase and it was obvious to anyone paying attention.
Once the waitress seated us and took our beverage order, my boss spent approximately five minutes giving me some innocuous work-related details about something that had happened earlier in the day. It was merely idle chatter, before I could comment; he was proclaiming “It isn’t necessary for you to return to work”.
Instinctively my hand went to the aching area of my stomach in a silent gesture to protect the five inch scar that was still healing. I felt like I’d just been kicked right in that tender gut. He proceeded to babble words that bounced off me as quickly as he was blurting them. “There’s never a good time to deliver this news” followed by “we’re eliminating your position.” It was at this point his words turned into white noise. I could see his lips moving but I wasn’t hearing a single syllable.
Reflecting back on it, the whole experience seemed reminiscent of break-ups that happen between couples all over the world. The general concept is understood; take him/her to a public place so they can’t create a scene. Had my boss stolen that page directly from the breaking-up-is-hard-to-do guide? Was this a chapter in the employee handbook that I’d missed? He was terminating my employment across a cocktail table during Happy Hour, are you kidding me?
Furthermore, my boss asked for my permission to call me in the future. In his words, “if I come across any projects you’ve begun that I have questions about, can I call you so you can guide me through it?” My mind was racing as I contemplated this suggestion. He was breaking up with me, yet he still wanted permission to contact me whenever he got the urge. Doesn’t that seem closely related to the “can we still be friends?” line that gets tossed out during a break-up? It was hauntingly similar to the ever-so-lovely booty-call at 3:00 am from an ex. I was sitting across from my now former boss, and he was publicly asking me for a business booty-call. I was speechless.
As I drove away from the restaurant that will forever represent the place where I got dumped, I reflected back on the beginning stages of this professional relationship. I remembered how they had wooed me, made promises and offers. They wanted to steal me and my heart from my employer at that time. The cat and mouse game went on for nearly two months. They were shiny and new and made the relationship sound so exciting. I gave in. I broke up with my employer and went strait into the waiting arms of the newer and improved professional relationship.
And, like most new unions, I found myself spending endless hours with this latest relationship. The 10 hour days quickly morphed into 12 followed by many 15 hour days. Soon it became painfully obvious to me that my shiny new company was not grateful or appreciative of all the time and attention I was giving it. Like most interpersonal relationships I’d had before – once the honeymoon phase was over, we quickly moved into the taking-each-other-for-granted stage.
Then, we hit the rocky part. I found out I needed major surgery and the doctor was insistent that we move rather quickly in an effort to protect me and my future health. When I delivered this news to the already ungrateful employer, I immediately felt their disdain of the six week recovery absence I was going to need. I heard phrases like “Is it possible you’ll be back sooner”? Or, my favorite, “Give me an exact date of your return so we can schedule that meeting with Mr. Smith”.
I was embarking on a life-altering experience and just when I needed my relationship to support me, I couldn’t have felt more alienated. Historically, I had missed many opportunities to break-up with men when they became physically and emotionally absent. Just when I needed them most, they would disappear. That scenario was not new to me. As a result, when this professional relationship exhibited the same absent and impersonal characteristics, it set off some red-flag alerts. However, based on the circumstances of the pending surgery, I wasn’t able to break up with them. I had to persevere.
All the interpersonal break-ups that came before this professional one were typically for the best. Regardless of who initiated the split, it was obvious that I was better off without the emotionally unavailable man. Periodically, I bump into those former boyfriends and their lives have barely changed. They are still selfish and emotionally unavailable only now they have a new woman to dump on.
It took me exactly 48 hours to grieve this professional break-up. I gave myself the weekend to recover from the stinging blow of feeling un-wanted and un-loved by the company I’d given my heart to. By Monday, I felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I was ready to tackle all the professional opportunities that lie ahead.
Now that I’ve identified the similarities between my personal and professional relationships, I feel hopeful and optimistic that my next career will be my dream job followed by a boyfriend that is the answer to my prayers. What are the chances?
Well, I’m feeling lucky – that’s for sure!
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