Unemployment - Fifth month

October, 2006


I began the fifth month of unemployment in a zombie-like state of mind. The ad agency interview at the end of September, had left me in a tail spin. Actually, tail spin is putting it kindly - I had a total melt-down.

I called my parents as I drove away from the 'debacle' that resembled a job interview. And, before I could actually give them the latest update from the 'unemployment chronicles' I was sobbing uncontrollably. I pulled over, into the parking lot of a downtown Hotel, and tried to compose myself as two homeless guys sauntered over to my car, looking for a hand-out.

I stared back at them red-faced and puffy from crying and realized that I was approximately ten minutes away from having to saunter over to the parked car of strangers asking for a hand-out. UGH - I had finally hit bottom. (or so I thought)

In September, I had written a couple of press releases for a friend of mine. She was in a Development role at a local non-profit, and had asked for my 'pro bono' assistance. I created the press releases, that announced an upcoming event. In lieu of payment, my friend offered me a free pass into the $60 per plate event.

As I drove to the event on Thursday October 5th, I became painfully aware that I was officially now - WORKING FOR FOOD!

On Thursday the 12th, I had a phone interview for a high-profile radio position in New York. As I hung up the phone, I was instantly re-energized. It felt good to be speaking 'industry speak' again. Plus, the idea of moving back to New York filled me with hopeful anticipation.

One of the many 'by-products' of unemployment is that time is of the essence. Every call you make, every resume you submit, every networking meeting you have, is of HUGE importance to you. However, the 'employed people in the population' - are operating under an entirely different TIME-line. Sure, they are busy and overworked and possibly underpaid - but, they are EMPLOYED. Which translates into a painstakingly slow response rate.

When you're unemployed, waiting two hours, two days, two weeks for a call-back.... or for ANY validation....is a LIFETIME.

As a single woman with a mortgage, it was imperative that I find some income, while I wait for the next 'real job'. So, I made an appointment with a Temp agency and I answered an ad for 'Seasonal' help at UPS.

Monday, October 23rd I arrived at the Temp agency for my 9am appointment with Marcus. The office was one large open space and there were two people sitting at desks in the center. The guy, who I deduced was Marcus, was barely 25 years old. I was greeted by the other person, a young woman named LaShonda.

"I'm here for my appointment with Marcus" I smile. She pleasantly responds, "First of all, we've got some paperwork for you to fill out" - Nearly AN HOUR LATER, and I finally emerge from the 'paperwork-filling-out-area'. I walk over to their desks. Lashonda looks up and asks me to "take a seat over there", she points and I oblige.

For the next ten minutes, I listen to LaShonda and Marcus chat about how LaShonda is trying to lose weight. "Have you tried joining a gym?" Marcus inquires. I stare at them, from my seat a mere six feet away, as I wonder "they do know I can HEAR them, don't they?" I was amazed by the lack of professionalism, yet....when you are the unemployed one, your opinion doesn't really matter, does it?

Next, Marcus leads me into a classroom, where I spend the next HOUR watching regulatory videos ranging from reporting sexual harassment to properly disposing of hazardous waste. Followed by another HOUR of taking on-line computer tests. When I finally do get to meet with Marcus he tells me about a possible tele-marketing position.

Seeing the confusion on my face, he continues...."well, I see you were the Director of Marketing at your last job...so, I thought a tele-marketer position.....well, you know".

"Sure" I respond, "I've never done anything like that before, but...If they train me, I'm a quick learner....I could do it" Now it's my turn to observe the confusion on Marcus's face - as he contemplated my response. Clearly he didn't understand that the only thing tele-marketing had in common with Director of Marketing was that they both had the word MARKETING in them!!

The next day I arrive at the UPS location for the mandatory 'tour'. The appointment was for 6:15 pm, and I'd been instructed to wear comfortable shoes. I park my car, and check in at the security booth. The guard instructs me to "go around the corner, you'll see the rest of the group waiting outside".

I rounded the corner and stood amongst the others. Nearly 20 men of all ages, sizes and shapes were assembled there. After a half hour wait outside, Rob the HR guy, finally emerges from the HEATED building and instructs us to follow him inside. "Stay in a single file line", he barks.

I smirked, as I wondered if this was what it was like going off to prison. I fought back the urge to ask one of my fellow-marchers. By my quick estimation nearly ALL OF THEM looked like they'd served 'time' at one point in their lives. It was probably best for me to keep my mouth shut.

The 'tour' begins with Rob the HR guy making some highly inappropriate comments about what it was like to work for UPS. He led off by telling us about one of the "idiot supervisors" and when he sensed our reaction, he continued..."no really, the guy is a moron".

I stood there and marvelled once again, as to how I was in my FIFTH month of unemployment yet people like Lazy Marcus, Fat LaShonda and Rob (the highly inappropriate) HR guy had jobs!

At the end of the tour, Rob the HR guy asked us if we had any questions. I asked him, "when would the jobs begin?" He responded, "Well, if I haven't scared you off tonight, then you should call me back to set up a more formal interview. We'll do a background check which typically takes two weeks, and if you pass that - then, you'll be starting around Thanksgiving".

Another hand went up, "Yo man, what are you looking for in the background check?" I quickly realize my instincts were right, and that I was surrounded by a bunch of ex-cons. Rob the HR guy responds, "Well, if you've been convicted of stealing in the last 3-5 years, that would be bad. In addition, if you've been busted for drugs...you wouldn't get hired"

My eyes were as big as saucers as Rob the HR guy continues, "because if you've been busted for drugs, the last place you should be working is for a company that has cross-country trucking systems"

I giggled, but....unfortunately, no one else got that joke. Looking back, maybe it wasn't meant to be funny..........

Rob the HR guy continues to say that "felony battery" would be another reason to fail the background check. "Well, that's encouraging" I thought to myself......... As I drove away that night, I became painfully aware that I was now competing for work with a bunch of ex-cons. Was this REALLY happening?

As October ended and November began the SIX PHONE calls I placed to Rob the HR guy went unanswered.

That was the fifth month of unemployment.